I went to Thailand recently with my husband, Perry, and there’s a beautiful saying that I learned there. Khun, ben son nung young chow. Soon chon, ja ma ga guy. My ben chen nuh. It means, “You are a part of me, a part that I could never live without. And I hope and pray that I never have to.” Khob khun kah. Khob khun kah. Khob khun kah.
Just kidding, I don’t have a husband named Perry (not that I know of at least) and that’s actually a quote from the movie Bridesmaids and I’m not sure if that’s even what it really translates to. While I may not have been toasting at a friend’s wedding shower like the above scene in question, similarly to the speaker Helen, I just had to give a speech to a room full of loved ones expressing my love and gratitude because in exactly 58 hours I will be on a plane back to Boston.
I hate talking in large groups. My face turns beet red. I start to fidget with my hands. I’m trying to remember what I want to say while also having a simultaneous conversation inside my own head. Is my current level of eye contact freaking anyone out? Can everyone tell that my body is slick with sweat right now? Do I have anything overtly obvious in my teeth? To make matters worse, then you add in that the speech is in a second language and that you need to hold back tears (or just let them free flow) while also talking. Annnnnnd go.
My speech sounded something like, “gracias para vivar en la casa, en las escuelas, en la biblioteca..” Just kidding. Baxter, you know I don’t speak Spanish, in English, please. Wow. I bet you can tell that awful attempts at humor are definitely not one of my coping skills. Nope, definitely not one of them. I am a very somber person when I am dealing with loss and grief.
Seriously though, in my speech I thanked everyone for the love and guidance they have given me in the time I have lived in Thailand. I said that I was so thankful to have the opportunity to live in the Garden of Friendship with the wonderful people who live in it. I thanked them for being my mothers, fathers, younger siblings, and older siblings while I was so far from my own family. I told them how much I was going to miss them when I returned home but that this was not goodbye forever, but rather a see you later. Similar to Helen, I also have a favorite saying in Thai with which I concluded my speech. It is “khun dtraat reung jai dta lawt bpai” and translates to “you are forever impressed upon my soul”. And every single one of them truly is forever and always engraved upon my heart.
I really like quotes and sayings. If you have ever been in any one of my bedrooms at just about any moment in time, you will notice the excess of quotes that scatter the room. There is something about the universal power of words that suck me in. Last year while in Baltimore, I tore apart a giant atlas book and wrote quotes in various forms of typography on about forty different maps and then plastered them one wall. I brought the quotes with me to Thailand, but only put up a select few. Coming to Thailand, the two quotes that were the most relevant to me at the time were “Travel far enough you meet yourself”, from the movie Cloud Atlas, and “I would rather own little and see the world than own the world and see little of it.”
Right now, as I prepare to leave Thailand in 57 hours, the quote I relate to the most is by a poet named r.m. drake (not to be confused with Drizzy Drake) that says, “then, she began to breathe and live, and every moment took her to a place where goodbyes were hard to come by. she was in love, but not in love with someone or something, she was in love with her life. and for the first time, in a long time, everything was inspiring.” I am that girl in the quote. There is just one exception. I am deeply and madly in love with the life I have led here in Thailand, but I also hopelessly in love with someone. Many someone’s actually.
I am in love with Nonnie and the way she grabs my hand and dances with me in my kitchen. I am in love with Prio and the way she makes me feel like a superstar when she stops me to take selfies with her in the supermaket. I am in love with Belle and her surprise poke attacks. I am in love with Wansai and how free she looks when she dances. I am in love with Bon and his dimples and the dynamic duo we became this year. I am in love with Ying and her adorable attempts to sing “Rescue” by Yuna and “Let It Go” from Frozen in English. I am in love with Bee and the way he sings while he works. I am in love with Gaa and the way he blows me kisses before he goes home. I am in love with Viscune and the strength that she has shown in the wake of Nong Naam’s death. I am in love with Jiem and Villai and their belly laughs. I am in love with Dow and her devoted selflessness. I am in love with Chukiet and his daily “Good Morning Khun Fasai” greetings as I leave the door to head to work. I am in love with Jiranun and her devotion to learning English fluently. I am in love with Kreauwan and the way she holds my hand when I sit next to her. I am in love with Sukanya and the way she makes me feel like the most special person in the entire world. I am in love with Suban and the way he dances and approaches everything, especially food, with great curiosity. I am in love with See and the way that she is always in the best mood at two o’clock in the morning when she rings the bell for me to change her diaper while I am on night duty. I am in love with Sompong and the way that she changes my Thai nickname of Fasai to some variation of “Beautiful Sky” just about every week. I am in love with Pi Bon and how much of a mother she has become to me in the eleven months I have been in Thailand. I am in love with Krisda and how he has taught me what it means to be an amazing nurse. I am in love with Permsack and our conversations about Thai and American culture during medical outreach in the villages. I am in love with Coo Gai and how great of an influence she is on helping to raise Bon. I am in love with Antonia and Sr. Pranee for their commitment to helping individuals living with HIV/AIDs in the Nong Khai area.
A few weeks ago, Coo Gai, who is a social worker living in the same home as fourteen-year-old Bon, told me, “You know how when kids leave home, they feel homesick. Well Bon is already feeling Bridgidsick thinking about how you are leaving in just about twelve days.” Well now that count is now down to under three days now. 56 hours. I have to say I am feeling pretty Bon-Nonnie-Ying-Prio-Belle-Wansaisick myself.
Going home is going to be hard. But I also have a lot of things to look forward to after my return on July 10th. My international immersion group from college, the Chiapetts, is getting together for a reunion the weekend after I come home. My 24th birthday is on July 25th. My brother graduated high school this June and we will be having a family celebration for him the day after my birthday. I am going to a concert that following week and then down to Cape Cod with my best friend Alyssa. I will get to move my brother into his freshman year at Boston University in the Fall. I get the chance to see my sister’s college campus at the University of Tampa for the first time in August and help her get settled into her junior year of college. Knowing that I have these events already lined up has helped me a little bit to get excited about going home, but it is definitely a very bittersweet feeling and I am going to need a lot of help and support from the people around me in getting acclimated back to life in the U.S.
But why fight the rain ahead, when instead I can dance in it. You might think this is some quote that is written on my wall somewhere due to my penchant for sappy quotes, but really its what I actually just did as a writing break. There’s nothing quite like a midnight dance in the rain to be used as a metaphor for life. Other than the other most famous Bridesmaid’s quote of course, “help me. I’m poor. “ 55 hours and fourty minues to go. See you soon friends.
Update: In exactly two days, 48 hours, I will be on a plane to Bangkok to begin my 36 hour journey to Boston. Waah.
